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“C’mon, Baby, You Know You Want To...”

Teaching Teens to Avoid Manipulation

Teens today face many new problems their parents never encountered. Key among those is intense peer pressure. Psychologist Dr. Pat Palmer suggests parents teach teens how to avoid manipulation.

“Manipulation is getting people to do what you want without asking. When you ask, people have a chance to say no. When you manipulate, few people can avoid it. When you’re being manipulated, you are living someone else’s life: going where they want to go and doing what they want to do. You are not following your own values, interests and goals.”

Palmer, with co-author Melissa A. Froehner (of the book, Teen Esteem) offer these tips for teens:

• Ask a manipulator, “What do you want?” A dedicated manipulator probably will be deeply offended and go away, or give you a slick answer, “Not a thing.” A person who is willing to learn will hesitate and then try to talk about her needs. It may be a struggle. Be patient.

• Communicate honestly using “I language.” Ask the manipulator for more information: “Where will we be going? How are we going to get there?” You can state clearly how you feel about the plans and what you want.

• Serve as a model. When you express your needs and wants clearly, you help others learn to do this too. They’ll get used to your straight talk and probably even like it (if you’re careful not to be pushy or aggressive!). As you take responsibility for what you want, you win the respect of others so that they want to act like you!

Manipulation comes from weakness. It is used by people who are not able to be honest with themselves or others. It is supposed to be “polite,” however it robs others of choices, and doesn’t let them take responsibility for themselves. Each time you take the risk of making honest statements to others, you win respect. Honesty really is the best policy.

Adapted from Teen Esteem: A Self-Direction Manual for Young Adults (2nd Ed.), by Dr. Pat Palmer and Melissa Froehner. Available at online and local book­stores or directly from Impact Publishers, PO Box 6016, Atascadero, CA 93423-6016, www.bibliotherapy.com, phone 1-800-246-7228.