An Interview with Dr. Pat Palmer,

co-author of 

Teen Esteem

A Self-Direction Manual for Young Adults 

3rd Edition

 

•  Do you have suggestions about how to handle violence in school?
Yes. Do not become part of the gang mentality. Encourage your friends to not be snooty or feel different from other groups. Try not to all dress the same, setting your group apart from others. Do not judge people. Do not start fights. Be pleasant to others, and encourage your friends to do the same.

It would be helpful if your school counselor could set up meetings for small groups (8-10 students) to talk about their feelings about violence.

Discuss violence in your school with your parents. Talk about your feelings, and ask for suggestions from them.

Decide for yourself what your priorities are — your basic values — and then design your life around your values. What is important to you? Do it.

•  What should students do if they see a dangerous situation ahead?
Tell the principal, the vice-principal, your teacher, your friends. Call 911 if it looks dangerous, for example, if a student has a gun, a bomb, or is making threats. Get yourself to a safe place.

•  How would you recommend a young adult gain the trust of others? People learn to trust you when they see you being responsible. By this I mean you do what you say you will do. You meet deadlines, do not cheat, do not hang out with people who laugh at rules, regulations, and ignore school policies.

When you walk your talk, you gain respect and trust from others. Be honest and up front with everyone, and you will earn trust.

•  Isn't an assertive person looking for trouble by saying "no" to teachers, parents, and friends?
I would not recommend saying "no" to adults. There are lots of ways to negotiate, to introduce different possibilities, to ask for what you want without sounding insolent. Being rude or aggressive is NOT being assertive. The assertive person is willing to ask for what he or she wants and negotiate. If the adult still refuses your polite request, let it go. It probably was not a life and death matter.

Pretty much the same thing goes for being assertive with your friends. There are certain things you need to be assertive about, such as your possessions, your time, your health, your goals in life.

If a friend makes a reasonable request of you that involves your time, money, or possessions, you are free to say "yes" or "no." If it is "no," you can phrase it as you would with a parent, being kind and respectful, but standing your ground.

•  Can you suggest a way for my son to learn how to make good decisions?
Yes. Making good decisions is based on practice as well as a good value system and an awareness of goals in life.

You can start good decision making early in your child's life by asking the child to make simple decisions such as what he or she would like to eat, to wear, to do for recreation. As your child gets older, increase opportunities, such as asking your child to take part in family decision making, vacations, and financial planning. Encourage your child to make decisions about how to spend allowance, and how much allowance should be given. You can even negotiate and have the child make decisions with you about appropriate punishments for bad behavior.

The more opportunities you give your child to practice making decisions, the better he or she will become at it!

•  Aren't young people who like themselves seen as stuck up and cocky?
Not necessarily. Not at all. The young person who likes himself/herself has no need to act in stuck up or cocky ways. Actually, this young person doesn't have to act any way different from other young people. He or she may have more confidence and attempt larger challenges, but that isn't cocky or stuck up.

 
•  What can I do about being angry all the time? Do you have some ideas for me?
Yes. O.K. Let's find out what you are angry about. Write down the things that make you angry. Other people's behavior? Unfair teachers? Parents’ divorce? Are you being abused? Have you been a subject of abuse? Do people push you around? Do they bully you?

What don't you like? The way people look at you? How they speak to you?

O.K. Now that you may have an idea of what is making you angry, what are you going to do about it? I recommend talking to a good counselor. I also recommend using the energy that you collect when you are angry and using that energy to create a better life for yourself. You can do it. Being angry all the time is a very heavy burden. Let some professional adult help you understand and overcome it.

 
•  What do you think about young adults who make mistakes all the time — being late, forgetting things, and losing things?
This is a problem of focus. It can also be a problem of your brain not functioning properly, which causes the lack of attention or focus. I would discuss it with your teacher or school counselor and be prepared to ask for more help if you still are not able to change this behavior. You may need some further testing to rule out Attention Deficit Disorder or some other kind of malfunctioning.

•  What is the difference between aggressive and assertive behavior? Aggressive behavior is behavior that disregards another person's feelings, health, possessions, etc. It is pushy, and it is rude. It is using too much force, being unkind, thoughtless, mean.

Assertive behavior, on the other hand, is asking for what you want while respecting the other person's rights. Often the assertive person uses humor rather than a hammer (aggressive things). The assertive person is willing to negotiate, to discuss, to compromise, to wait while the other person thinks about the request.

•  Isn't it rude for a young adult to be assertive?
No. I don't think so. The young adult is simply asking for what he or she wants. The description of assertive behavior above describes a person who is respectful, kind and reasonable. That is not rude. Not at all.

•  Why do you think self-esteem is important for young adults?
When people have self-esteem, they are assertive naturally. Because they see themselves as good people, they expect good things to happen to them.

My observation is that when people are thinking positively, positive things happen to them. In other words, if you believe in yourself, other people are influenced to think positively about you, too.

•  Why do you think young people have "rights"?
I believe all people have "rights." Even young children have "rights." We are not possessions or slaves, or totally without a mind, feelings, and personal status. I have seen toddlers who walk as if they were leading a parade… with a great sense of themselves as people.

Eleanor Roosevelt first proposed "rights" for all human beings when the United Nations was being formed.

Some of your rights are to be fed, sheltered, educated, kept clean, cared for when ill. You do not have to earn "rights." They are there for every human being, I believe.