This column by Linda Lewis
Griffith, M.A., MFT, appeared in "The Tribune," San
Luis Obispo, California, on September 13th, 2001.
How Can We Tell Our Children?
I’m feeling as sickened as everyone else. As I stare helplessly at
the images of the World Trade Center cascading downward in surreal,
billowy puffs, I join millions of other Americans trying to make sense
of the horrifically insensible. But if it’s impossible for adults to comprehend these attacks, how can
we possibly begin to tell our children?
As with most every other topic, it’s best if we discuss it at home.
No one’s saying it will be easy. But don’t sweep it under the
rug, either. Facing bad news head on with your kids will help you come to grips with
it, too.
Consider kids’ ages and levels of development. There are
no hard and fast rules about when to discuss terrorism, but consider the following
guidelines:
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0-4 years old: Tots younger than four years old simply do not need
to know about the attacks. Preschoolers already have enough fears in their
lives; many are mortified by such everyday encounters as swimming pool drains,
men with beards, or monsters under the bed. International terrorism is
way beyond their scope. If tiny minds ask about what they see on
TV, answer, "A bad thing happened and Mommy and Daddy are concerned." But
keep answers very short and keep media exposure to an absolute minimum.
5-8 years old: School-age kids can grasp short,
straightforward explanations. Use words and examples they can understand to
discuss bad people doing things that hurt others. For instance, you might
correlate the situation to a bully on the playground intentionally hurting other
children. Avoid being too graphic, or giving more information than they can
absorb; eight-year-olds are already becoming increasingly aware of their
mortality, and may become easily frightened. Avoid lengthy diatribes about
international politics. Give kids truthful answers, but provide
only the info requested.
9-12 years old: Boys and girls in late elementary school can
converse a bit about terrorism and long-standing Middle Eastern feuding. Make
this an opportunity to enhance geography skills by looking for New York and
Washington, D.C., on a map. And talk with older children about how
government, finance and transportation were impacted by this highly orchestrated act. 13 years and older: Teenagers are ready for full-fledged
dialogues. Engage them in discussions whenever possible to disperse information and to
elicit their input. But even after you’ve talked with the children,
your household’s still likely to be reeling from the news. |
Keeping calm amid a
national emergency becomes a top priority. Observe the crisis as a family. Small acts shared with those
you love acknowledge the stress you’re all feeling and center your thoughts
on the tragedy. For example, you might say a bed-time prayer with your kids, or
offer a moment of silence after dinner.
Monitor your own level of anxiety. Sure, you’re upset by
what’s happened. But your fears rub off on the kids. Quiet walks alone, a soothing
bubble bath or a hard game of volleyball with friends may be just what the
de-stress doctor ordered.
Emphasize your family’s relative safety. Children can become
highly anxious by the pictures they see on TV. They wonder, "Are all planes going
to crash?" "Are terrorists coming to our house?" Assure tots
that they’re safe in their homes, and let them know terrorists are not likely to ever do them
harm. Of course, life’s never without its potential hazards. But
dwelling on the likelihood of being involved in such an incident only heightens
kids’ feelings of insecurity and does little to actually protect them.
Turn off the TV. There’s only so much you can hear about a
crisis — even one as horrendous as this. Excessive coverage becomes repetitive,
increasingly disturbing and even exploitative of the events themselves. Get the
facts you need from the media, then allow yourselves to move on to something else.
A workout at the gym, a report on your son’s soccer successes, or an after-dinner board game help families regain their composure and
reaffirm hope for the future.
